EPISODE 50: Closure: Is It Really That Necessary?

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THE LOWDOWN

If we already know the answer to what it is we are seeking, what is the point of closure and why do we feel a deep seeded desire to find it?

Closure is something we have all sought out in life, but looking back on it, did it provide the finality to whatever situation you were in? Did it create more confusion or continue the drive inside to keep pushing to obtain the outcome you ultimately wanted?

In this episode we discuss why we seek closure to begin with and how we can choose instead to walk away from it instead.

MENTIONED IN SHOW:

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

SHOW NOTES:

Episode begins at [00:00:57]

TRANSCRIPT:

[0:00:00]

[upbeat and joyful music fades in]

[0:00:06]

Intro: Sex and Money with Jess is a podcast dedicated to helping you deepen your relationship with yourself and others when it comes to sex and money. I’m your host, Jess, and my mission is to give you the tools to step outside of your comfort zone and into your empowered self. Here, I encourage you to let go of shame and societal pressures and reimagine your future the way you want it. If you’re ready to gain more confidence, feel sexier, and become more secure in your finances, I invite you to put on your favorite outfit, pull out your bank statements, and let’s get started!

[music fades out]

[0:00:57]

Oh my gosh! Can you believe it? We are already in November. I am, honestly, blown away that by the time this episode drops it is going to be November third. Which means we have two months left in the year and that just sounds crazy to me. Time really does go by fast. I’m excited for all of the fun holiday adventures that get to come up during the holiday season. I LOVE Christmas. I grew up in Minnesota and so Christmas to me is something that is a little bit more magical. It’s got magic sprinkled all over it because there’s something about Santa Claus coming in the winter, or Jack Frost. And then the other beautiful about, I don’t know if it’s the winter states or the Midwest, but there were quite often moments throughout my childhood when the night of Christmas me and my siblings would be getting ready for bed and we would look out the window and there would be a heard of deer outside. In the snow, just munching along on the rose bushes, which were dead in the winter, but you get what I mean. And it really just felt magical in the sense of, ‘hey, Santa sent these reindeer…they weren’t reindeer, but these deer to come and look at us. To come make sure that we were in bed.’ It really created a whole different magical universe, and it really met the expectations that we read as children in story books. So the next two months of holidays are very meaningful for me, and I can’t wait to enjoy them. I have a lot of childhood memories. I have a lot of great new traditions that me and my friends are creating now that we are in adulthood and starting families of our own. So it’s really, truly, something that we get to enjoy. So I hope that the next coming months you that you find joy, that you find hope, and that you find beauty in anything and everything that you do, cuz it really is a magical season.

[0:03:13]

Today, I want to actually talk about the concept of closure because it’s been something that is popping up in my life the past week. It could be any sort of closure. It could be closure with a job. It can be closure with a friendship, a family member, or maybe even a relationship. And I heard this quote the other day. I’m going to paraphrase it because I heard it in passing. I don’t remember if it was on the radio, or if I was hearing it from another podcast. Ummm, I honestly do not remember where I heard it, but I remember hearing it.

[0:03:55]

The person said something along the lines of: we already know the answer, we already know the outcome, yet we still choose to pursue closure, and really there is no point to pursue that closure because of the fact that we already know what the answer is going to be.

[0:04:16]

And that really struck me. It just seemed so powerful and poignant in the moment. And then as I thought on it, and as I had conversations with other people in my life, I realized that it really is, I think, in our minds we try to get closure with the hope that we can change the outcome. And when I say that, I mean in the sense of if I have one more opportunity to say everything on my chest, maybe even say things without a filter. Without any concern or fear, that might possibly might be living inside of us that has prevented us until this moment to actively say what it truly is that is residing in our hearts, or on our minds regarding whatever the situation might be. I think there’s a part of that idea of closure. That idea of maybe things can change. A grand gesture, or actively sharing my peace. Like maybe this is going to be the moment. That might come from Hollywood. I mean how many movies have we all watched where the main characters just aren’t working out and one of them makes a grand gesture, or gives it one more try, and magically it’s the moment that everything works out. It’s the ah-ha moment. It’s the ‘oh my god, you’re so right, I am in love with you. I’ve just been living in fear of what this relationship would mean for us.’ Or, ‘you’re right, you are the best employee ever and I am just a horrible boss who didn’t see what was standing right in front of me.’ Those grand gestures and that need for hope probably does come from the media that we’ve all consumed over the years, over our life span. Anda although that is a fun story. That is a fun thing to imagine of what happens if I walk up to the man who I have been talking to and am in love with but has told me that we’re only friends. What happens if this one last time I just explain to him what exactly it is that I see, what exactly it is that the world is telling me about us being together, and actually being the ‘it’ couple. What would happen? Maybe he will finally open his eyes to me and see that I am the one.

[0:07:07]

And trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve been in situationships I probably should not have been in. I have played too long in relationships that I had no reason to be in for as long as I was in it for. While they were fun, and while they created some good memories, I probably wasted some time too if we’re being realistic. Because deep down inside I knew the answer. Deep down inside I knew, without a doubt, that nothing was going to change no matter how much hope I had. Because in reality, they just weren’t at the same level in life that I was, and that’s okay. It sucks in the moment, don’t get me wrong. It sucks knowing that I care so deeply about a human being, or that I care so deeply about a job that doesn’t reciprocate the same level of care, or desire, or commitment to me. Because if this person, or this job, or this friend, or this family member were just to stop leaving the wall up on their side, or were just willing to take on leap of faith, we could be dynamite! But it never happened, and I always kept saying, “let me meet up with them. Let me have one more moment. Let me do this,” just to get that closure.

[0:08:44]

You know, I give the example of a job, and I know I’ve talked about this before on previous episodes, but my very first job out of college, I was put on a probation, a PIP program, and it was the hardest eight/nine months of my life. I wanted to prove to the people who put me on the probation period that I was worth the commitment. Then when they decided not to keep me, I chose to move to another department within the company and take a pay cut. I knew that that transition to the other department was going to be temporary. I started put feelers out for other jobs, but also in that interim we were going through a bankruptcy at the time, so when other groups were like, ‘hey Jessica is the best at this, we’re going to put her on this project’ it would upset my previous team. It would upset my previous boss because they didn’t like that other people saw my worth, but there was still something inside of me that needed to prove to them, that needed to prove to my boss and the senior on my team, that I was worth it. And so of course when those opportunities came up I jumped at them. I said yes, let me do it! Yes, let me teach the new person who replaced me. Yes, let me go and talk to this person. Yes, let me be on the bankruptcy team. Yes, let me! Yes, let me, because I need some sort of closure. I needed them to see what they missed out on. The writing was on the wall. I wasn’t going to, in their eyes, be worth it, no matter what. Everyone else in the company thought they were stupid. Everyone else in the company saw my worth, but I still spent time trying to prove it to them because I wanted that closure. I wanted them to see my worth. I wanted them to say, ‘hey Jessica, we made a mistake.’ And the same could be said for relationships.

[0:10:52]

So, I want you to think of moments like that, where you’ve probably sought out closure from someone or something in your life, and what, leading up to the closure, did you have an idea of what the answer was going to be? Did you have any inkling deep down in your gut that it didn’t matter what you did to try to prove yourself. It didn’t matter what you did to try and convince them of a certain outcome, they were going to do what they wanted to do, and you knew that that probably meant that you were not moving forward in life with them at the capacity you wanted to move forward in life with them at. And it’s unfortunate. I can’t speak for everybody, but it really, truly sucks when another human being doesn’t see you, or value you the way that you are valuable, or want to be valued. It probably feels like the worst gut punch ever, and simultaneously it makes you question your own worth. This person who I find to be so amazing. This person who I find to be so great doesn’t see me in the same way. So if I think I’m so great, and I think they’re so great, something is amiss. So does that mean they don’t see me as great? Well if that’s the case, let me, let me try to prove to them I am as great as I think I am, and that I want them to see me in that greatness. Or maybe you do the opposite where you’re like, ‘they must not think that they’re great, so let me prove to them that they are great.’ You know I did that with an ex. I had an ex who was very insecure, and I was of the mindset of, ‘I just have to show him that I love him, and that it doesn’t matter who he is, or what he does, he’s still worthy of love, and that we will make it.’ He didn’t need me to tell him that, he needed to find that for himself. And I think that’s the moral of the story. Closure ninety percent of the time…I don’t know, I’m throwing a random statistic out there because I have never done a study on this, but I’m sure majority of the time, closure doesn’t actually get us closure. It doesn’t close the chapter book the way that we want it to end. I don’t know how many times you have read a story, read a book, watched a movie, listened to an audio book, whatever, and the ending angers you because it is not what you wanted. Closure doesn’t get us what we want. There might be exceptions out there, but at the end of the day, more times than none, I have walked away from trying to get closure very disappointed. I have tried to prove myself with no success and it sucks.

[music fades in]

[0:14:05]

Commercial: Hey! If you’re enjoying the show and are looking to go deeper in away that is more personalized to you, visit lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted to discover more ways to work with me. I understand that there is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to sex and money, so let’s get to discovering your own goals and building the path to lead you there. That’s lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted. Okay, back to the show.

[music fades out]

[0:14:45]

And so, thinking back to what that woman said, she made comment of, ‘we already know the answer.’ We do. Our gut knows. Our instinct knows. We might have been told the answer one or two times, but if we weren’t, we know that the lack of effort, the lack of commitment on the opposite party’s side tells us our answer. And so, why then, if we know the answer, why are we putting in the effort into getting a different outcome? Now this isn’t to say that people can’t change. This isn’t to say that we have a desired outcome in a certain situation, and we shouldn’t express it. But I think the idea of closure isn’t a one and done. It’s a ‘I’ve repeatedly tried. I’ve repeatedly shown up, put in the effort, shared the words, said the things, done the dance, to make this other person see my worth. To see my value and nothing is shifting. We might feel a little bit of hope and then it gets taken away and things go back to normal. And that to me is the difference between what it is we are seeking in closure, versus just a normal relationship (again friendship, job, partnership, whatever) and asking for things to change and then that partner willing to make the changes. There is a massive difference between the two and we all know that difference. We feel it.

[0:16:25]

So one of the things that I am making a vow for myself is no longer seeking that closure. It’s hard, you know, there have been a couple instances where I haven’t sought the closure. There have been a couple of relationships where I’ve allowed them to just fizzle out and it’s been one of those things where sometimes they pop up in my brain and I get curious and I want to go and look. You know, social media makes that so easy to just go and stalk people, but I find myself doing that less and less, and every since hearing that quote earlier this week, I told myself, ‘Jessica you’re just continuing to rip the bandaid off of the wound, and then the scab breaks as you rip it, and then you’re bleeding again. And I might be bleeding less and less every single time, but it does continuously reopen the wound, whatever the wound is. You know every year, once a year at my current job there is a tenant appreciation lunch that the landlord puts on and without fail I see one of the people who put me on probation because they work at a firm within the same building. And it fucking hurts every single time. And every single time I want to say to my coworkers, in fact I usually do, ‘oh, we just walked by the woman that put me on probation. Oh, we just walked by so and so’ because I need to rehash it. I need to be told, “wow that sucks, how could they?” because I need closure from other people that I wasn’t able to get from her, or them, or the company. And this year, we walked by each other and I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even text my boyfriend and say, “you’ll never believe who I saw at work today,” because I said to myself, “why are we pulling that bandage off? Why are we reopening the wound? You walked by her, don’t pay her anymore mind. Don’t put anymore energy into her.”

[0:18:42]

I encourage you, if you are still sitting here hoping for closure in some situation, or reliving or rehashing what could have been, or how the person hurt you, or what outcome could have resulted in had you done, or had things been different, or had they just…because it really isn’t worth wasting your time and energy on. And that’s exactly what the person who said the beginning quote on, said. She said we’re wasting our time trying to get the closure when we already know the answer. I don’t know if hearing that is as powerful for you as it was for me. I really wish I could give credit where credit is due because it was impactful for me and I just heard this four days ago. It’s something that I’ve been trying to improve in my life in general. Like I said, I didn’t say anything when I walked by that lady at work, but hearing that statement this week really solidified something inside of me, and I can guarantee you that it is going to stay with me forever probably. I’ve already shared it with two people in my life and they were like, ‘wow, that’s really powerful.’ So I’m going to hold onto that. I’m going to find a way to live that out. I’m probably not going to be perfect at it, and that’s okay, but every single time I go to seek closure, I’m probably going to ask myself, “don’t you already know the answer, Jessica? Shouldn’t you just not waste your time?” And half the time I’ll probably waste my time and the other half I’ll be probably be like, ‘yeah, Jessica, you’re right let’s not do that,’ because I talk to myself like that.

[0:20:37]

So yeah, think about what it is that you’re truly seeking the next time that you want to find closure, because really it might not be all that it’s cracked up to be. I know right now, in the holiday season, a lot of us tend to feel extra lonely. We tend to feel pressure on being at a specific point in our lives because we find with our families, and our friends, and the people that we are gathering with that all the questions come out. ‘Why aren’t you married yet? When are you having children? Do you have a partner? Are you going to have more babies? Are you even trying to have babies?’ Like all of the questions of what are you doing with your life come out of the wood work and are usually in a tone of, ‘what are you doing with your life? Oh my God, I can’t believe it, I am, you know, just astonished that your life hasn’t amounted to what I thought your life should amount to in my head.’ And they create chaos in our brains because we probably feel inadequate. We probably feel as if our lives really aren’t where they’re supposed to be, even though there technically is no rule book for life, but all of these things are happening and then we feel extra lonely, or we feel like a failure, or anything that is negative on the emotional spectrum comes out and we feel insecure. And it sucks! It really, royally sucks because family members really know how to push buttons that you didn’t think were there. With that being said, the exciting thing is during the holidays we get to ask ourselves, hey I may be trying to seek out closure for something, or I may be having this hope for a changed outcome bubbling up because so and so’s question got me thinking again. And then we can ask ourselves, do I know the answer already? And if we do, we can say, ‘you know what, I don’t want that, that’s not for me. I’m going to move on and I’m going to live the life that I want to live and I know that what is meant for me is going to come into my life, and it is going to happen regardless of the closure that I get in this certain situation.’ Is there anything in your life that you want closure for? Do you know the answer for it? If you do, let it go. Again, easier said than done, but give the closure a second thought. Honestly, give it a kick in the butt and say fuck you closure, I don’t need you. Cuz you really don’t. You are valuable, and worthy, and adequate regardless of the outcome of said situation is. Just walk away. Bring the peace back into your life. I love you all, have a great rest of your day and week. Bye!

[music fades in]

[0:23:53]

Outro: Thank you for listening. I hope this episode left you feeling more confident in the future you are creating. I would love to hear your thoughts on the podcast, so please leave a review and remember sharing is caring. If you know somebody who could benefit from this podcast on their own personal journey, please share it with them. What I know we need more of in this world are people who are thriving in their financial and sexual lives. And if you’re ready to dive in deeper, please go to lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted to find out more ways that you can work with me. May your day and week ahead be filled with love. See you next week!

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[0:24:49]