There Is Grief In Being Childless By Choice

There she stood, light washed high-waisted denim blue jeans with a crisp white tee tucked into the waistband, blonde hair in a high pony tail, smile plastered across her face. The laughter of children running around the house as she stood in the kitchen, making their lunches for the day before heading off to school. She was happy, her kids were loved, and life was simple.

A vision through the kitchen window. Two towheaded kids, a boy and a girl, running around on Easter Sunday as they hunted for Easter eggs with their baskets trailing behind. Her husband walks up and wraps his arms around her waist, kisses her temple, and time is frozen still for a moment. Happiness, joy, love.

My younger years were filled with visions of me in a house (coincidentally the kitchen 😆) filled with children. Happier than ever at the prospect to be raising mini versions of myself. For years I dreamt of having kids of my own, especially while I spent my early twenties being a second parent to my niece and nephews. I wanted to meet the man of my dreams and bring children into this world so they could grow up alongside the ones I already held near and dear to my heart.

As I got older and started approaching twenty-five I had a gut feeling that I wasn’t meant to have kids biologically. My mindset shifted to adoption. I had already been a great parent to the three littles in my life who weren’t biologically mine, it would be no different with another child. I could feel my heart strings being pulled towards adopting older children, ones who might not be given the same opportunities as those who were younger. While I wasn’t financially ready to take on that responsibility, I had set my sights on that future plan.

Fast forward the next few years, multiple heartbreaks. Men not wanting to be parents, me realizing that wasn’t in my future. One rainy night I sat in my car talking to a friend on the phone after a breakup. I told her, “I don’t think I’m meant to have kids, and that’s okay.” This feeling had been growing inside of me for awhile now, but that heartache really solidified it for me.

I met men along the way who I thought might be it, but one thing always remained consistent, kids were not in our future.

Some might say to me that I let my dream die, or that I gave up on my dream, but in reality I began to shift into a different person. My friends and I joke that during the years I really wanted children they could be heard saying, “children are parasites, they suck the life out of your body!” Now adays they are the ones eager to have children and I’m a firm no.

Why did it change? Was it because I was meeting the wrong men? Perhaps initially, but in reality I began to see life differently. I get to show up to parties as the fun “aunt” who plays in the backyard with the children while the adults talk shop. I get to pursue the goals I have, travel the world, build relationships, and cheer on the kiddos in my life all at the same time. I don’t have to go through the parts of child bearing that scare the ever living crap out of me, but I do get to show up for the difficult moments when I’m asked to, and be a safe space for my friends’ kids to be themselves wholly and fully.

The moment I turned thirty the thought of having children became a firm NO for me. Even as everyone told me I might change my mind when I meet the right guy, or encouraged me to bring grandchildren into this world for my parents, I stood my ground. My future life will be childless.

And that’s OKAY.

But with that okay comes the fact that the dreams my younger self had won’t ever come to fruition. I won’t get to stand in the kitchen and hear children run through my house laughing. I won’t get to look out the window while my lover wraps his arms around me as we gaze at the little ones we made together.

It’s for her that I grieve.

It’s for the part of me that will never get to experience the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions my mom felt when she had me. It’s for the child in me who got to feel her mother’s heartbeat from the inside and had to say goodbye to it on the outside. This type of love never replicated through my own birth story and raising of the next generation that once existed inside of her.

I don’t grieve for the present me. She is at peace. She is happy. She is where she is meant to be.

Life happens. It ebbs and flows as we navigate the paths ahead of us. Had I taken another path might I be a mom by now? Possibly, but it isn’t the one God set out for me.

At thirty-six years old I know the life I am creating is going to be filled with more love, laughter, adventure, and blessings than I could ever imagine. I may grieve the loss of a life I once dreamt of, but it doesn’t stop me from dreaming of a life I get the opportunity to live.

P.S. Yes, I’m sure on this childless stuff 😊. I had a pregnancy scare a couple of years ago and would have had an abortion had it resulted in my being pregnant.